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  He’d thought nothing could scare him more than when she’d run up the stairs into Beulah Land without a backward glance, until he saw fresh tears on her face while he was still inside her. “Did I hurt you?”

  She rubbed her face against his neck and chest. “No, no, I’m fine. I’m just thinking that this was five years too late.”

  Relieved, he eased his weight off to the side and drew her against him, trailing his fingers gently over her flank. “Who knows what would have happened if you’d come to me that next week. You were so young, and I didn’t know what I was doing. I might have broken your trust in such a way that you’d never recover. I thought I might have already done such damage. I hated every day that you were gone, but it taught me to hone my self control.”

  Curling against him, she pressed her mouth to his skin, trailing her tongue in wet little swipes across his chest that sent hot ripples skating through his body. “You certainly know what you’re doing now. You knew then, too.”

  Laughing softly, he buried his fingers in her hair and massaged her skull, holding her close. “What is it that I do that you like so much, darlin’?”

  She propped her elbow on his chest and stared into his face, melting his heart all over again with the earnest seriousness gleaming in her eyes. “Every time you touch me it’s wonderful. I want to be with you. But when you hold me down and force me…” She shuddered, her eyes darkening. “You’re not making me do anything I don’t already want to do, but…” Her voice caught. “Oh, Conn, when you make me…”

  He couldn’t help the rumble in his voice or the stirring in his groin. “I love making you, darlin’, as long as you remember the ultimate control is yours. You never have to tell me no; just give me your word if I’m thinking about something you don’t want to do. I will never force you into something you’re not comfortable with. Trust me, yes, but I’ve got to be able to count on you to tell me when to stop.”

  Rubbing her chin against his chest, she stared into his eyes, the lamp sparking the fire in her gaze. “I will.”

  A fine tremor shimmied through her and she swallowed. He wasn’t the only one ready for round two. He smiled slowly, letting his eyes blaze with heat. “After a shower, are you up for that spanking I promised you?”

  Her eyes fluttered shut and she shivered harder. “When you’re done…”

  Her tongue flicked across her lower lip, and it was all he could do not to drag her mouth to his so he could suck on both her lip and tongue. “Tell me, darlin’. What are you dreaming about in your mind?”

  “I want…to take you…into my mouth.”

  Clenching his jaws, he fought down the immediate surge of lust grinding his control to dust. He sat up, taking her with him, mentally repeating all the reasons she surely wasn’t ready to cross that bridge with him yet. He’d taken the edge off his aggression, sure, but—

  She opened her eyes, heavy-lidded and dark with her need. “I want you to make me.”

  Sliding his palm down her back, he gripped her ass firmly to make sure she knew what she’d asked for. He could not stop staring at her mouth, those luscious lips and wicked tongue he’d dreamed about for five years, along with the sweet curve of her buttocks. Spanking her ass fire-engine red, dragging her mouth to him…

  He was not strong enough to refuse such temptation. Not when he’d dreamed of doing exactly that for five long years, and he’d read those same dreams in her letters.

  Her back arched a little, pushing deeper into his caress. She draped her arms around his shoulders and pressed her mouth to his ear, tormenting him with her tongue. “Consider it your extra credit.”

  26

  Normally she enjoyed a nice long hot shower. She’d certainly dreamed about soaping up Conn’s magnificent body while his hands teased and tormented. Sex in the shower was a fantasy she’d like to explore. Someday.

  But not with his threatening promise of what was coming afterward humming inside her.

  Luckily, he wasn’t willing to linger too long in the shower, either. He was all business, the grim slant to his mouth and the grooves lining his face becoming more pronounced with each passing minute. She made the mistake of noticing his growing erection, and she spent the rest of the shower propped up against the wall, trembling, while he finished rinsing her off.

  Hair dripping, she grasped the white fluffy towel with shaking fingers. She tried to keep her traitorous eyes from his body and calm her racing heart instead of panting like a runner in the final mile.

  He took the towel from her, dried her off, and squeezed the excess moisture out of her hair. The gentle pulling at her scalp shot another surge of wetness through her core. Moaning, she closed her eyes. He slid his hand into her hair, fisting, tightening until she moaned again.

  “Do you want to be over my desk in the study, or over my lap?”

  “Lap,” she gasped. Just thinking about feeling him beneath her, rock hard and strong while he spanked her…

  He laughed darkly and backed toward his bedroom, still gripping her hair. “I thought so.”

  He flipped on the overhead light so he could see everything. Still gripping her hair, he led her to a large bay window containing a comfortable-looking chaise and small table. He sat down, dragging her hair so she went to the floor in front of him. Small pains, nothing more, but each little pull of her hair sent her heart racing ever faster. Her thighs were shaking, her inner muscles clenching desperately. What was the burning smack of his palm against her ass going to do to her this time?

  Opening a drawer, he took out a scarf and released her hair. “Put your hands behind your back and lie down across my thighs. Touch me and I’ll give you more swats before I let you come.”

  Staring up at him, she contemplated ignoring him. Seriously. If she leaned up and took him in her mouth right now, would he object? How could he?

  He touched her cheek, drawing her attention from the sleek iron-hard curve up to his eyes. She trembled.

  Storm-gray, his eyes blazed, his face heavily lined, his voice severe and hard. “Don’t even think about it, Rae.”

  She scrambled to her feet and put her hands behind her back. Edging closer to him took courage, courage she didn’t think she’d have. If he’d smiled or winked teasingly, she wouldn’t have doubted him, but he remained fierce and silent. Quite honestly, he scared her, just a little.

  Which sent another wicked surge of need pulsing through her.

  Shaking, she awkwardly leaned down over his thighs, trying to hold her hands behind her back without losing her balance. Legs like granite beneath her, his erection digging into her stomach, oh, God, it was torture, agony. So close, but so far away. She wanted to turn and slide to the floor between his knees and take him deep into her mouth, bite his thigh, something. Anything except lie across his legs so obediently.

  He wrapped the scarf around one wrist and then the other, winding the silk up her forearms until her shoulders strained. Not pain, exactly, but she definitely wouldn’t forget that she was bound. He gave a little jerk on the scarf, lifting her arms just a bit higher so she flinched and squirmed.

  “If you weren’t afraid of me, darlin’, you wouldn’t be so turned on. You respect and believe in my power over you. Remember when Dick wanted to tie you up? Were you scared of him?”

  “No.”

  “You laughed, didn’t you? Did you think he’d spank you to climax when he had you tied up?”

  “I didn’t come at all that night.”

  “Until you dreamed about me.” He purred in that rumbling gravelly voice that sent shivers down her spine. “Power, darlin’. I have the power to control you completely. Why? Because you’ve given it to me.”

  Without warning, he slapped his palm against her ass, catching both cheeks at the same time. Her breath whooshed out and she thrashed awkwardly. With a little tug on that scarf, though, he immediately stilled her. Another slap, this time centered on one cheek, then the other. Firm and strong and sharp.

  Arms aching, she b
linked, trying to focus her watering eyes. Last time, he hadn’t started nearly this fast. This confidently. As though—

  As though he knows this is what I want.

  Which was exactly true. He’d been a lot gentler with the shy, unsure student bent over his desk.

  Her ass burned, heat flaring deep inside to parts he hadn’t even touched yet. She felt the moisture gathering, the aching burn spreading, demanding his attention.

  “Do you feel that tingling between your thighs, darlin’?” He gave her the sharpest crack yet, and her buttock stung fiercely. She squirmed harder, tears escaping, even while she throbbed with need. His palm slid over her skin, soothing the burn, and she moaned out loud. “Are you going to hit me with that damned parasol again?”

  I can’t lie…

  He slapped her, both cheeks, again, in rapid succession. “I asked you a question, Rae.”

  “Yes! Yes, I’ll hit you again! If you gave it to me right this minute, I’d beat you over the head with it!”

  Chuckling, he slid his fingers between her folds, trailing teasingly along the edges of her sex. Her legs fell open on a ragged groan, but he didn’t stroke her to relief. “That’s what I was hoping you’d say. That ensures I’ll get to spank you again.”

  Arm rising and falling, he spanked her until she sobbed.. Until her backside was a welt of heat that stabbed deeply through her core in an aching frenzy of need. Until she bit her lip and moaned and kicked, not caring about the pain in her shoulders.

  “It’s okay to yell at me, darlin’. I like it when you struggle.”

  “Bastard, dirty son of a bitch, Verrill! I’ve had enough!”

  His hand crashed down at the very curve of her cheek where her ass met thigh. She lurched up, gasping, and his forearm ground between her shoulder blades. “Now, now, darlin’. When you’ve had enough, you know exactly what to say, and it certainly isn’t Verrill.”

  “Conn, please,” she whispered, shaking from head to toe.

  “That’s real sweet, darlin’. I like to hear you beg, too.” His hand descended again to the other curve. “Your ass is almost cherry red, so pretty. Maybe later tonight you’ll let me lick and soothe all that sting away.”

  “Please,” she whimpered, shifting on his thigh to try and grind herself against him. “Please, Conn, please!”

  “What do you need, darlin’?”

  “I need you. Please!” His erection throbbed against her stomach and she wailed, throwing her head back and struggling in earnest.

  He plunged two fingers into her but didn’t thrust, swirling his fingers against her inner lining. Twisting his hand, searching for exactly the right spot, he stroked until she twitched.

  “Ah, there it is.”

  He repeated that deliberate stroking, fingers gliding gently over that spot deep inside.

  Clenched tight, humming with need, she couldn’t breathe. Her lungs shut down, her ears buzzed with static, her heartbeat thundered in her head.

  “You know what I want you to say.”

  His voice sounded far away, soft and gentle, flowing on a breeze. A vicious cramp seized her, and she tried to escape it. Too much, too hard, it would kill her. Grind her to nothing. Leave her tossed and helpless to drown in an ocean of need.

  “It’s okay, darlin’. Let go. I’ve got you.”

  So gentle, so safe, so full of love. She heard it in the magical tones of his voice, low and vibrating deep inside her. She let herself go limp, completely surrendered to whatever he did. Orgasm swelled within her, larger, darker, a swelling wave that seized her, dragged her down to the depths of the ocean and pinned her there. Crushed beneath that onslaught, she whispered, at least in her mind. “Conn.”

  “Rae?” His hands worked at her wrists, unwinding the silk. Her fingers tingled. The scarf came off and her arm fell. She felt it brush his knee, a torturous caress, and then her fingers dangled in her vision. She was upside down, which confused her. Until she realized her face was within breathing distance of his calf. Just a little shift, and she could get her mouth on him. She leaned—

  He hauled her upright, cradling her against his chest. “Rae? Come on, darlin’. I need you to speak to me.”

  “Mmmm.”

  He tilted her face up, his brow creased. “There’s my darlin’. You went a long ways away, didn’t you?”

  She tried to smile, but her face sagged, terribly tired. Lassitude rocked gently back and forth inside her, warm lapping waves tickling through her body. She was still a long ways away, she thought. Some distant shore she’d never been to. A forbidden paradise island, with her dark-eyed fierce warrior, naked and erect, striding toward her through the wilderness.

  He must have seen that shore in her eyes, because his mouth firmed into a hard slant. He fisted his right hand back in her hair and pushed her to the floor between his knees. The only thing holding her up was his hands, one in her hair, one cupping her face.

  “Open your mouth.”

  On a low groan, she did so, her eyes dropping to his cock as he drew her near. He rubbed the head lightly against her mouth, circling her lips.

  “Wider, darlin’. I’m bigger than Dick, remember?”

  Stretching her mouth open wide, she let him pull her mouth forward. It was like swallowing down a sword fresh from the forge, hot and sizzling from the flames. In this distant fuzzy paradise, she had no defenses against him. As big as he was, she wouldn’t be able to breathe if he thrust too deeply. He could slap her, beat her, turn her around and sodomize her like her ex-husband had done, and nothing would hurt.

  Not until tomorrow.

  And she wasn’t afraid.

  By the darkness in his eyes and grooves in his face, he knew it. He relished the control, her helplessness, her trust in this moment of utter vulnerability that he wouldn’t hurt her. This was his ultimate fantasy, to take her mouth, testing his control and her trust that he wouldn’t go too far.

  He tasted like soap, so clean, and just a hint of salty musk at the tip. She couldn’t move her arms, but she could damned well move her tongue. Watching his face, she swirled her tongue against him, tracing the slit, sliding underneath the crown. He paused to let her torment him, his face darkening, his eyes blazing sapphire.

  She felt a wicked spark through the haze of pleasure he’d fogged through her mind. Boundaries, he always talked of boundaries. This was his boundary, his test, his trigger point. If it was his job to test her limits, shouldn’t she test his, too?

  Could she make him lose that fierce control?

  Tightening her lips around him, she sucked and licked until a muscle in his cheek ticked. Pressing deeper, slowly, he breathed out heavily as she sucked him down, tightening her mouth until her jaws ached. She scraped her teeth lightly as he drew back, and his breath exploded out, his fingers digging into her face. He quickened the pace, his chest heaving, mouth parted on each breath.

  Rock-hard satin in her mouth, she tried to tell him with her eyes what she wanted.

  Make me. Make me go all the way. Don’t pull me back. Make me.

  His arms corded, tendons standing out in his neck and shoulders. He groaned her name and thrust deeper, arching his hips. Almost too much, too deep, closing her throat off one second, two, and then he pulled back enough to let her breathe. Even in his release, he kept his eyes open, watching her face, making sure she was okay. He never violated that boundary.

  She took him, drank him down, shuddering with every pulse of his body.

  Drawing away, he pulled her up into his arms. “Damn, Rae, that was the hottest thing I’ve ever done in my entire life.”

  She nuzzled deeper into his neck, but her arms were still too lazy and limp to wrap around him. Flipping the lights off, he settled into bed with her tucked against him, pulled a blanket up over her, and pressed soft, gentle kisses across her face.

  “Were you thinking what I think you were?”

  Sleep sucked her down, but she managed to whisper, “Make me.”

  27

&
nbsp; Dear Dr. Connagher:

  I’ve never been one to share my darkest secrets with anybody, yet I can’t stop writing you these letters. I’ve told you things I’ve never told anyone.

  Maybe it’s because you saw me like nobody’s ever seen me before. Without removing a single item of my clothing, you tore me down to bare naked emotions. You saw me, really saw me, didn’t you? I couldn’t hide anything from you.

  I certainly couldn’t hide how much I needed you.

  When I lost you, I felt broken inside. I mourned for you. I thought I’d never be whole again. I forced myself to date Richard in a stupid vain hope to fill that emptiness. I needed to not feel alone, even if he wasn’t you. I thought we could make it work.

  Yet that was my greatest mistake of all. I never needed him like I still need you.

  After all these years, this need gnaws in the back of my mind, every day, swallowing me like a great black hole. It’s a monstrous, consuming need. Here I am, years after that day in your office, still writing you. Still needing you.

  I’m messed up, Conn, I know it. I’m terrified of losing these dreams, because it’s all I have left.

  I think about contacting you. I even pick up the phone and begin to dial your office number (yes, I still remember it by heart), and alarm bells start going off in my mind. What if I’ve simply built up my memory of you to impossible heights? What if it was all in my head, embellished and fabricated over the years? Surely I couldn’t have felt so much that day on your desk. Surely I didn’t need you so badly.

  What if you don’t even remember me? What if you’ve moved on, as I tried to do?

  What if…you never needed me at all?

  It would destroy me to see you again and learn that all these letters, all these years of missing you, had been a complete and utter waste. If you thought that day in your office was a mistake. If you looked at me with those incredible blue eyes, saw how much I ache to be consumed by you, and turned away.