One Cut Deeper Read online

  “Um...” I tried to think if I’d ever had wine.

  He lifted his head to smile and I had to remind myself to breathe. I almost gasped like a fish stranded on a sandy shore. “If you have to think, then I recommend something light like a moscato.”

  “Okay.”

  I tried not to make it sound like a question. I had no idea what moscato was or whether I’d like it. It was probably a good thing he didn’t have a whiskey or vodka collection. I’d be hammered after one sip.

  He pulled two wine glasses from the overhead rack and led the way into the living room. Great, now I had to figure out where to sit on the sectional. If I sat on the far side of the L, I’d be able to see him from anywhere but it might look like I was afraid. If I plopped down beside him it might give him the impression I was easy pickings. I was, but I didn’t need him to know it.

  I’d rather sit on the floor, especially if I could curl against his legs, but that wasn’t an appropriate first sit-down-and-talk position. Did other people have such ridiculous difficulty deciding where to sit? He sat in the middle of the sectional and set the bottle and glasses on the table in front of him. I stared at the floor, unable to make a decision.

  “I won’t bite,” he said amicably.

  I risked a quick glance up at his face. He winked at me, then patted the couch beside him. I went to him, relieved but still upset at my inability to act like a normal human being.

  He poured the clear wine into the glasses, barely more than a splash in each. “I have to drive to the airport, so I can’t indulge. But I can’t resist sharing your first glass of good wine, either. If you don’t like it, I won’t be offended.”

  I took the glass but didn’t sip it yet. I tried to sit calmly, as if I sat and chatted with people all the time. Not like I was a wreck, waiting for him to tell me what to do. I wanted his commands more than anything.

  He leaned back and propped his feet on the table, careful not to knock the bottle over. He wore heavy, black motorcycle boots that I found as intriguing and unexpected as his backyard of cows. He drove a boring beige Buick. Thousands of them drove around Springfield every day, but I was pretty sure none of the men inside wore heavy, black boots with buckles and studs. It made me wonder what kind of surprises he hid under that black turtleneck. Tattoos? Piercings?

  Yum.

  My mouth watered so badly that I finally risked a sip to hide my reaction. The wine was sweet and a little bubbly. Surprisingly good.

  “Ah,” he said. “You like it. I’m glad. I take pride in trying to match wine to each person’s personality.”

  I shifted sideways a little so I could catch more of his facial expressions without actually looking directly at him. “I’m like moscato?”

  His mouth quirked. “Bright and bubbly and sweet but a little hard to pinpoint. It’s not quite champagne. It’s not dry enough to be chardonnay. Maybe too sweet for some people, dessert for others. I could polish off an entire bottle myself if I had some cheesecake to go with it.”

  He thinks I’m dessert. Now that I could definitely live with.

  He tipped his head to the side. “You’re not afraid of me, are you?”

  “No.” I shook my head once, hard, to emphasize exactly how not afraid of him I was.

  “But you are afraid.” He said it softly, just a breath of words that made me want to lean in and swallow them from his mouth. “I’ve been trying to decide how best to approach you for months. You’re a deer in the forest, gone in a flash before I can decide if I’m right or dead wrong.”

  “Right about what?” My mouth was too dry, my voice too harsh. I took a larger drink of the wine, clutching the glass stem so hard I was afraid it might shatter. No, that’s me trying not to fall apart.

  “First, I want you to relax.” His tone sharpened with enough command to melt my nerves. A mere hint of the power he contained, and I wanted to slip to the floor and bury my face in his lap while he stroked my hair and petted me like Sheba. “I give you my word that I’m not going to take advantage of you, especially when you’re helping me out with this trip. I just want to talk. We only have an hour before I have to head to the airport, and we have a lot of ground to cover.”

  “Okay,” I whispered, relieved even though disappointment welled in my heart. I wouldn’t lose him before I had a taste of his mastery.

  “You give off a confusing vibe, Ranay. I have to be sure. I need to know what’s inside your head so I can decide how to proceed. Do you know where I’m going with this or am I going to make a fool of myself tonight?”

  I wrapped my other hand around the glass to make sure I kept them to myself. “I know I’m submissive.”

  He let out a chuckle that made me clench my thighs together. “That’s not even close to the signals you’re giving me. Saying you’re submissive is like claiming the weather in Missouri is a little changeable. Meanwhile one day it’s seventy degrees and I’m running after Sheba without a coat, and the next day I’m shoveling my driveway and cursing the ice.” He leaned toward me and gently pried the glass out of my hands before I did damage to it and myself. “Your hands are icy. Why didn’t you tell me you were cold? I forgot the temp dipped tonight. And I sent you outside to play fetch with Sheba for an hour.”

  He wrapped my hands in his and I started to sag. I couldn’t help it. He felt so good, all heat and strength and tenderness. I wanted to snuggle into his side and breathe his scent from the hot velvet skin of his neck. I wanted to slide my icy hands up his shirt. They wouldn’t be cold for long. “I’m not that cold.” Of course my teeth chose that moment to chatter. “I forgot my gloves. That’s all.”

  He drew me against his side, throwing an arm around my shoulders while he held both of my hands in his other palm. He wasn’t a tall man but he had big hands. Big enough to enclose both of mine in one of his. He’d be able to pin both hands over my head with ease while he tormented me with his other hand. “Damn it, I wasn’t going to do this.”

  “Do what?” I whispered, afraid to break the spell. His heat soaked into me, wrapping me up in a cocoon I never wanted to leave.

  “I wasn’t going to touch you,” he said gruffly, letting his chin rest on my head. “Not tonight. Not until we talked.” He let out a sigh that ruffled my hair. “But that tells me more about what I’m dealing with here. You’re going to take an order and follow it explicitly, even if you don’t have gloves and it’s twenty degrees outside.”

  My anxiety bubbled back up. I didn’t want to lose this chance to get closer to him, not so soon. “Sorry.”

  “Don’t be. That’d be like me expecting Sheba to be sorry that she loves to chase her ball. That’s who she is. I’m sorry I sent you out there in the dead of winter without ensuring you were prepared.”

  He held me for long moments, until I was drowsy and relaxed. If I’d been a cat, I would’ve been purring.

  He touched his mouth to my ear. “What are you afraid of?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut but I couldn’t refuse him anything, even the ugly truth. “Of scaring you off.”

  He let out a startled sound. “What could possibly scare me off, when every time I see you it’s all I can do not to put a collar on your pretty throat and bring you home?”

  My ears buzzed and I had to take several short, shallow breaths to get my brain working again. He’d cut straight to the heart of what I wanted most.

  “You look me at me like you want to be owned, yet in the same moment, you challenge me by refusing to say my name or look me in the eyes, as if you’re trying to get me to exert my will and declare my interest. Then I barely speak to you and you retreat so fast I have no idea what happened. The things I see in your eyes, Ranay...” He breathed into my ear. “Today at the clinic, what were you thinking about before that woman came out with her cat?”

  I hesitated, the tips of my ears crisping.

  “Tell me,” he commanded.

  “I wanted to blow you. Right there. I didn’t even care if Dr. Wentworth came out and fi
red me.”

  He squeezed me harder and chuckled. “She would never fire you, but I can see how she might disapprove of such graphic and public displays of affection.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh with him, though I didn’t lift my face from his chest. I didn’t want him to see how embarrassed and turned on I was.

  “I would have to admit to some inappropriate images of you sprawled on that counter or on your knees in the break room, and that’s only what I thought about today. We won’t get into the other twenty or so times I’ve made a frivolous appointment for Sheba so I could see you.”

  Giddy that he’d been trying to get to know me too, I turned my palm so I could twine my fingers with his.

  “I think we can agree that we find each other mutually attractive. You’ve been hiding, denying what you are. Denying what you need. Who hurt you, Ranay?”

  My fingers convulsed tightly around his but he didn’t complain. He lifted my hand and lightly kissed my knuckles, then placed it on his chest over his heart. I fisted my hand in his shirt, but I didn’t try to jerk away from him. I knew what he was going to do. I wanted it, even though I feared it.

  His fingers settled beneath my chin and he tipped my face up to his.

  I didn’t close my eyes, although his searching intensity made my chest seize up so hard I was afraid my heart would burst with effort. My blood had turned to concrete in my veins, cold and hard and heavy. No matter how badly this ended for me, I had to have more of this. I had to do everything in my power to have a chance with him. Even if I ended up broken again.

  “Talk to me,” he whispered, his voice achingly gentle despite the command. “Tell me what happened. I need to know so I don’t make the same mistakes.”

  I blinked rapidly, not fighting the feeling but trying to adjust. My body temporarily forgot how to function on its own.

  “When you give yourself, you give all the way. You don’t hold anything back.”

  I managed to nod a little, still not able to find my voice. He pulled away enough to get my glass and lifted it to my lips so I could take a drink and at last I was able to speak. “Some men can’t handle that. It’s too much responsibility. Too creepy.”

  His eyes narrowed at my word choice, the first time he’d ever let me see displeasure. It wasn’t a look I cared to earn again. “It’s not creepy. It’s not too much responsibility, either, if the man is dominant enough.” He lowered his voice and leaned in close enough his nose almost touched mine. “And I promise you, Ranay, I’m dominant enough to handle you.”

  I would never doubt my instincts again about how dominant he was. My focus narrowed to the two dark eyes blazing at me, his will enveloping me like a steel fist. The words jerked out of me, as if I wasn’t speaking under my own power.

  “Nobody hurt me. I hurt myself. I’ve always been too much. Too emotional. Too obsessive. Too attached. I get crushed too easily. I couldn’t date in high school without ending up a basket case because he looked at someone else or blew me off at lunch. I just can’t handle casual dating and flirting. It got worse in college. I experimented and found that I like an edge of danger. I ended up falling for a guy who’d been kicked off the football team. My family hated him. They were afraid he’d beat me up or even kill me, but he wouldn’t hurt me even a little.”

  “Not like you wanted.”

  I shook my head, tears of shame filling my eyes. But I didn’t look away. It was too late to hide. “I dropped out of college to be with him. When we broke up, I was worthless for a long time. I couldn’t get my life back together. I’d put my whole will and being into the relationship, and without him, I didn’t know what or who I was. And what’s sad is I really didn’t love him. I only loved his bad-boy persona.”

  I swallowed hard, bracing myself for the next ugly chapter. “Then I met Josh online through a chat room catering to alternative lifestyles. I moved to St. Paul so I could be close to him. My family came to visit us, and they liked him. I mean, compared to Talon in college, Josh was a saint. He taught me a lot of the things I’d been dying to explore. For a year, we lived together and we even talked about marriage. Before things got too heavy.”

  “You lived as his slave.”

  He said it without accusation, but I still flinched. Slave was such an ugly word, even though that was exactly what I wanted most. It implied no choice. No hope. No will. In many ways, that had been my life for a long time, as much as I hated to admit it. “Yes. For the first time, I had exactly what I’d been looking for. I thought that meant I didn’t have to make decisions. I worked, but even outside our home, he was the driving force in my life. That’s the way I wanted it. The way I needed it. I gave up more and more without realizing I was doing it. One day I woke up and realized I hadn’t talked to my family in months. I didn’t do anything but go to work and come home to wait for him. I’d made him my entire life. So when he called things off...”

  Even now, months of recovery and therapy later, I still shuddered. I touched my chest reflexively, haunted by phantom heartache so severe I couldn’t understand how I could still be alive. “I fell apart. I couldn’t function. He wasn’t heartless. I mean, he didn’t kick me out, but he made it clear I needed to get my shit together and move along, the sooner the better. Eventually I was scaring him enough he called my family to come get me.”

  Charlie gave me another sip of the sweet wine, his fingers stroking my cheek. “Why did he call things off?”

  “He couldn’t handle me anymore. He said I needed too much. When he tried to ease me off, I couldn’t. I couldn’t let go, couldn’t move on. I didn’t know how to do anything on my own. I was a baby all over again.” I took a deep breath and forced the next words out. “We’re pretty sure I suffered a breakdown. I’ve been in therapy. I know now that wasn’t a healthy master-slave relationship. Even 24/7 slaves can still function and take care of themselves. I took it too far, and though I know better now...” I forced myself to look into his eyes, braced to see his withdrawal. “It’s taken me a long time to get back to living. I can’t do it again.”

  He didn’t avoid my gaze. In fact, he leaned down and kissed my forehead. “Of course not. I’d never ask you to live like that, Ranay.”

  “You wouldn’t have to ask me to live like that. Don’t you understand? That was me, all me. Josh was a nice guy. He didn’t try to break me. He’s not a villain. I don’t hate him. He was horrified and scared to death when he saw how pitiful I was. How weak. He was afraid I’d hurt myself.”

  “Would you?”

  My therapist had asked me that, and I gave him the same answer. “If my family hadn’t come to get me, yeah, I would have.”

  “Are you on medications for anxiety or depression now?”

  Now that my secrets were out, I was numb. He’d warmed my hands, but my heart was cold and heavy in my chest. “No. I don’t even see my therapist any longer unless I need a visit. But I also haven’t been with anyone since.”

  I waited for him to make some lame excuse or joke, to blow me off. I was damaged goods. I should have known I couldn’t hide it from him for long, though I’d hoped I would at least have had a night or two to tide me over for the rest of my life. I smiled at him wistfully. “Is it okay if I still watch Sheba tonight? I won’t bother you again after that.”

  His face tightened into grim lines that set my heart thumping frantically. He cupped my chin and squeezed hard enough I’d probably have red marks on my face.

  God, it felt good. I couldn’t imagine not ever having someone touch me like this again. Someone who knew what I needed before I could voice it.

  “You’d better bother me again. It’s taken me a year to figure out how to get the truth out of you. Don’t give up on me so quickly, Ranay.”

  Me, give up on him? I couldn’t help but laugh, though it sounded bitter and hopeless. “You can’t possibly still want me in your house, taking care of your dog, trying to figure out how to get under your skin enough that you’ll break your promises about getting
to know each other before you fuck me.”

  He wasn’t shocked at my language. He slid a hand into my hair, gripping my nape in one big hand that could break me like a twig. He glared into my eyes. “I want you. I want you under my roof, caring for Sheba, and yes, I want you in my bed caring for me too. I’m not like that other idiot who didn’t support you or help you find your own place in an unconventional relationship. I will take care of you, Ranay. I will make sure you have everything you need to function and live your life to the fullest.”

  I didn’t back down from him. The show of his power only turned me on more. I pushed into his space, nose to nose, using my hand in his shirt to pull myself tighter to him. “Unconventional relationship? Those are big words for slave.”

  “Hear me now, Ranay.” His voice made me shiver, all raw and barely leashed violence. I’d never imagined he hid that kind of aggression, but I loved it. He was my bad boy and my master and my gentle lover all wrapped up into one tidy package. “I will always tell you the truth, no matter how ugly, and I never break my promises. Never. If you give yourself to me, I will treasure you. If you feel weak, I’ll help make you strong. If you have a need, I’ll meet it, whatever it is. And if at any time I’m bad for you, then I will free you to protect you. I won’t leave you high and dry, alone and afraid, but I refuse to tear down anything you’ve built for yourself. If you need to be free, I’ll do it,” he said, his left hand rising up toward his right eye, “even if I have to take a bullet to the skull.”

  I pressed my forehead to his, clutching him as close as I could get to him. “I don’t want to be free if I can be yours, even for one night.”

  “You’re mine,” he growled out, cupping the back of my head. “But not tonight.”

  Inwardly I groaned with desperation, but I didn’t voice a single word of disagreement. It wouldn’t do to start by challenging the master’s will from the very first moment. I couldn’t help but cling to him, though, as he set me down beside him. I hadn’t realized I’d practically climbed into his lap.

  He checked his watch and groaned for me. “We’ve got ten minutes for me to show you around and make sure you’re comfortable. I can’t be late for this appointment or I swear I’d just reschedule the trip until after the holiday.”